I've had problems all of my life. Nothing ever went right. I had troubles in school and eventually got held back in first grade. Which ended up being a god sent and a curse from hell.
I loved music since I knew what it was. I was always making up songs off the top of my head and I was always singing because it was what I loved to do. I wanted to be a Rock Star since I was very young. It didn't matter that I was a girl...I just loved that kind of music. Then when the T.V. told me about prom I immediately knew that I would take a rock band to prom...it was ment to be. No questions asked.
After my fourth grade year I switched to a new school. I didn't know any one and they didn't know me. I was one of the popular girls at my old school and at this new one I was just another nameless face in the crowd. I had a hard time making friends. I wasn't pretty and I became very introverted after some personality scaring incidences a year earlier. So everyone steered clear of the ugly new girl.
Then my sixth grade year I got in to this Horror fix. I got in to reading books by Christopher Pike (best writer ever) and R.L. Stine, and I immediately got into writing stuff similar to theirs. I would completely involve myself in the stories I was reading or writing and I couldn't tell if I was me or a character in a book. And that caused the worst problem in my life. It some how got started that I was possessed by an evil spirit that everyone called Sarah Fear ( a character in one of R.L. Stine's books), and everyone started calling me that and picking on me for it. Then they got into this fix that I look just like Wednesday Adams since I was quite pale and have EXTREMELY dark hair and eyes.
All the way up till my Sophomore (10) year in High School I had guys constantly calling me those names and they even grew to the point where they called me a Devil Worshiper. I hated that. I had no self-esteem at all. I was always afraid to do or say anything in school because I didn't want to bring on an onslaught of terror from the assholes in my class. I became more in more introverted until I didn't even know myself anymore. I never ever listened to the music that I loved the most (ROCK) because it wasn't cool. So I listened to rap and R&B.. whatever was popular at the time.
My Junior year was the first year I didn't have to live in fear. All the guys stopped picking on me. They grew out of it. It didn't hurt me 'cause I would ignore them but I was secretly dying inside. I didn't even know who I was. Then one day I was watching TRL (remember.. I did whatever anyone told me to do..I was a follower) and this video called "Got The Life" by a band named Korn came on. I was blown away. Finally Rock had came back to being "cool". I wasn't afraid to listen to rock anymore. When I drove down the street I wouldn't be blasting some song by Jay-Z.. I would have Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, or Godsmack blaring and busting out my speakers. ("Time Bomb" by Godsmack actually busted both speakers on the right hand side of my car.) Then I remembered my dream when I was younger. I had to find me a rocker to take to prom!!!! During my Junior year I was full go for Kirk Hammet of Metallica. But after Ozzfest my life completely changed.
I started to go back to my dark phase. (When I was a follower I wouldn't even think of wear anything black let alone dark colored because I would get picked on soooo bad for it.) I started wear black shirts with the cuff spiked bracelets and the gothic chokers.. the whole nine yards. I wanted to look like a rock star. I wanted to fit in with "my people". I've always loved rock and metal music since I was born. My mom is a HUGE Black Sabbath, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, & Pink Floyd fan so that music was all I knew. Ozzfest transformed me into the metal head I am today. Then I finally found myself. But this doesn't end my little story.
Since I was picked on sooo much during my life that it was a living hell I wanted to leave my school with a BANG. I didn't want to be remembered as Wednesday or any of that shit or even not remembered at all. I wanted everyone to know me as "The girl that took a rock BAND to prom." Transforming my small dream as a young girl into the Ultimate dream of a lifetime. If it came true then my life would be content. No matter what would happen I could look at myself in the mirror and smile...instead of criticizing myself at every glance. The Ultimate dream was just within my grasp thanks to the AMAZING band Slaves On Dope. They said that they'd go with me to prom if they were free. I was on cloud nine. My dream was on the edge of coming true. Life was perfect. No matter what any of those asshole in my class would say I could look them in the face and not care... I had a rock band that wanted to take me to prom. It was the proudest moment in my life. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Too bad that beyond those rooftops some clouds of electricity were coming into view to destroy my dream and leave me empty forever more.
On March 25th, 2001 I found out after checking out www.slavesondope.com that the guys from Slave On Dope would be in Amherst, MA performing for their headlining tour on the day of my Senior Prom. My heart fell out of my chest and I was destroyed. The whole time since they told me that they might go I continuously told myself not to get my hopes up..but I did anyways. I never realized how empty I'd feel knowing my one and only perfect dream had no chance of coming true. I feel so vacant that all I can do is sit here and tell you my life. How fucked up life has to be. And how no one should ever wish for anything.. never dream...never hope..because in the end it's worse than never having did it at all. I wish I could take back my dream so I wouldn't feel this way but it's too late. Life has screwed me over for the billionth time. I'm tired of it. Fuck the world...Fuck dreaming.. it's not worth the effort. I hope someone learns from this. I just wish someone could've let me know this sooner.
Rock On,
~Charity~
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