Tuesday, December 17th, 2002 11:39pm - What you are about to read is a conversation between myself and my recent ex-boyfriend Tommy on Yahoo Messanger. I finally found out a little about about myself, and realized some things. I'd like to share it with you all so you all can finally know who I really am. Or at least, understand me a little bit more. Enjoy!
Charity: I think I've been lying to myself all my life. Thinking things I don't want to think, believing things that aren't really real. Being something I'm not just because I don't know what else to be. I keep myself gaurded becuase I don't even know who or what I am, and I'm afraid that if they find out, then I'll be nothing. Maybe that's why I like that song line so much "Sometimes I wish I could be something more than nothing". 'Cause that's what I truly am. I'm a horrible person, I just don't want everyone to know. Unfortunatly, you've seen my true colors. I didn't realize it till now. I know I never wanted to hurt you. and I KNOW I love you, and that I always will. But I think I always thought you'd be there, no matter what. So I took you for granted. And I hurt you when I didn't want to.
Charity: You're the first person I've ever loved and I'm not sure If I really believed it for a while, maybe I was scared. I don't know........ (not done.. just so you know)
Charity: I've always told you I'm a horrible human being... usually as a joke, but now I think it's true. I suck, horribly. I only know how to hurt the ones I love the most. I've hurt my mom over my selfishness... I've hurt you....
Charity: and because of that, I've hurt me.
Charity: I'm so sorry. I just didn't know.
Charity: I just didn't know
Tommy: ok, now i have a few lines to type. please wait till i am done, and answer ALL questions, K?
Charity: I'll try my best
Tommy: First off, i like you a lot more,but you hurt me alot worse than Dawn did. Funny how things work out.
Tommy: Second, everyone hurts the ones they love most. i do too. it sucks. it is life. move on.
Tommy: and... thank you, you made me realize i still do love you; and THAT makes me happy.
Tommy: i must now... why and when did you stop? and also, if you don't mind with who?
Tommy: your turn.
Charity: stop what?
Tommy: weee, taking turns is fun.
Tommy: loving me, DUH
Charity: I haven't stopped loving you
Tommy: then you are a fucking retard
Tommy: why ruin love?
Charity: I feel like I just need to be alone... I was sitting here thinking for a moment.. while you were typing.. that it might not actually be that I really want to see other people, it might be a small part of it. But I told EVERYONE that I don't want to start dating for a VERY long time... well.. probably not VERY long, but a while... just 'cause I need to figure me out, get my priorities straight. Figure out who I am. So that I can actually LET someone into my world.
Tommy: then why didn't you say so asshole!
Charity: I DIDN"T KNOW!
Tommy: that means i still have a chance
Tommy: that is a very good reason
Charity: how many times have I told you that I NEVER know what the hell is going on in my head, too many thoughts that I don't really know what they are
Tommy: you try to make yourself look bad, but when it boils down to it, you rock.
Tommy: noone really knows who they are.
Charity: but I don't even have a slight clue... I'm nothing... hell...babies know more about themselves then I do
Tommy: have you learned anything about yourself since we have been dating? i learned on sat that i was too scared to die.
Tommy: not true.
Tommy: you are just lieing to yourself is all.
Charity: do you remember that question that you asked me at Ozzfest?
Tommy: i will try to wait as long as possible. if you want me to.... and no, which one exactly?
Charity: something about me loving people or something
Tommy: do you even know how to care about people, that one?
Tommy: before you say
Tommy: i am very happy that you gave it thought
Tommy: that means more to me than ANYTHING
Charity: and I said yes or something.... I"m sorry.... I was lying to myself... therefore I lied to you, I didn't mean to
Tommy: i thought so. it seemed so. but, you do. at least some times.
Tommy: you just don't realize it.
Charity: I'm also sorry that I'm so vapid... that I have the "the lights are on but nobody's home" thing... I'm just fucking stupid
Tommy: everyone knows everything. if they care to really listen to themselves. noone really understands that though, me included.
Tommy: no, it is ok. or well, you are not stupid. something else.
Tommy: by the way...
Charity: oh... and just so you know... my mind is trying to convince me that everything I've said is a lie.... fuck.. it could be true... but I don't know shit. I am sorry. I wish I could make it be quiet so I can be honest.
Tommy: how are you going to find yourself?? .... and i want to through an interesting side note here. i wanted to do the same a little, and see how i really felt about you, you know discover more of me when we broke up. i have discovered ALOT since then. i wish you luck. now reread the question at the beginning of this.
Tommy: as long as you try. don't be so hard on yourself.
Tommy: i know the feeling of wanting to tell the truth and not being able to.
Tommy: i don't want to pressure or anything, and you should prolly stick with your gut reaction... but... how does finding you have to be with me.... nevermind i think i understand now.
Charity: I have NO IDEA how I'm going to find myself. The idea of just running away, starting over, sounds almost pleasing. I would love to get away, go to cali, hang with orlando, live and do things I've never done before, be surrounded by things that I've never been experienced to. Get out of this environment that I've come so accustomed to. For a few months... then come back and see if I'm still me
Tommy: sounds like a good idea honestly. saddness for me, but good for you.
Tommy: have fun
Charity: it'll never happen, but it's a great idea. Makes me kinda happy just thinking about it
Tommy: so, i think i got this. we are not really not dating. just not dating?
Charity: it all finally makes sense to me why I have no drive to go to college. I think I might actually want to go after I got away for a while.
Tommy: like, treat each other as friends. but stay true to each other till you decide? is that right or off a little?
Tommy: why no college?
Charity: I'm nothing.. I want to do nothing... I'm a waste of space... after being free of this place.. and actually live... I might actually want a life
Tommy: you are very smart, it took me 3 months of basic to get anything close to that. you, just sat down and thought it up. hehe
Charity: :)) after all of these revilations... I've never felt so trapped in all my life :))
Tommy: trapped?? wow, i'd feel the opposite.
Charity: this house all the sudden feels like a prison to me
Tommy: oh, yeah. like you just wanna get out and do something, but you have no idea what?
Tommy: that is why i do odd/stupid shit sometimes.
Tommy: in hope that i may actually do something right.
Tommy: i think the only way to fully understand life is to live it.
Charity: remember when we went to west virginia? I felt free there. I didn't realize it at the time, but I felt REALLY good to not be here... I realize it now that I felt free for the first time in my life. And I still had you :)
Tommy: the only thing that sucks, is that there are some choices you can only live once and your done. not as many as people would have you believe, but a few.
Tommy: you know what is stange? i have been there MANY times, and that place still has that effect on me.
Tommy: it is like holy ground or something
Charity: maybe that's why I have this desire to be in a band, maybe that's the big reason why I love concerts so much... those people get to be free and do something they love.. and you know me, I love music and I love to sing. It makes sense.. makes me want to start a band and go on tour or something
Charity: that's probably the big reason why every time some band guy offers to take me on tour, I just want to jump out of my skin. but my shackles and lying mind keep me grounded and stuck
Tommy: i could be a bubble burster, but i won't. cause i am 100% sure that while some details may be off, you have the right idea.
Tommy: maybe you should go. get yourself some good and bad experiences of your own. see i don't have the problem as much as you do...
Tommy: and, about your journey: you can't fully appreciate or understand things until they are gone.... or something similar in diff words...
Tommy: you fully understand or appreciate things while you are stuck in the middle of them. sometimes things are much clearer from the outside. like in movies, or relationships.